My Broken World

I thought I was gonna head straight to writing last Saturday but I was too tired from work and was feelin’ lazy too. I had to take the stairs from the 10th floor down coz the lift was busted. I then went to the grocery and lifted some heavy stuff, had to do the errand by myself. I’m pro’ly not in my best form to write anywayz. My thoughts are wired, my priorities all screwd up. When everything is actually meant to be fine. I mean, I have no serious ish buggin’ me, I’m not mending a broken heart, I am happy whenever I hang out wiv my so-called special someone. All’s fine and dandy from a certain perspective. It’s just that once in a friggin’ while, I still stumble as I move along forward with my life.

Let me talk about someone else for the meantime, and I beg all forgiveness already from those who picked up my sullen arse back in those days. I miss you. Again, I suddenly do. Do I still love you? No. I don’t know? I just hate reading about your life, coz it’s like that’s all I can ever do now. Read about you, see your photographs but not really look at them intentionally, hear hush about you once in a blue moon. That’s it. That’s all there is now. We can’t even be friends who talk and see each other. Can’t we be? Or should we be? Fucker I oughta say. Yeah I just cussed. This is my domain; I can do as I please.

May. I so looked forward to this month coz I was gonna be with the one I hold special these days. Almost too excited that I forgot it was also May when I first met you, it was May when I had the chance to really know you and yes, it was May when I fell for you.

Is this what Mayday means then?

I love you

I won’t deny that, I won’t refute the fact that stares me in the face. It’s just that I don’t always love you for the things that you do. You fall prey to this world’s wily ways. Had I not stepped in, you would have been trapped in the devil’s lair. Your naiveté, no matter how sweet I may find it, still gets to me at times. You are refreshing for this reason; you are also quite a headache due to this. I don’t so much mind taking care of you since you have given that responsibility to me, though I did not bluntly ask for it. I just wish you won’t be such a rascal and just take my words and follow ‘em. Alright, you’re not my li’l puppy-dog on a leash, but still, can’t you just be less smart and be more obedient? I am keeping you safe, keeping you to myself maybe, but still, I’m here making sure you are scratch-free, no teary eyes, no bullcrap all over you.

I love you

And because of this fact, I stay by your side, I am on the shadows, I am in peril being the unknown sustenance that gives you a glimmer of hope, a trickle of strength. But I have to say this, if you choose to walk on fire, I am afraid I cannot walk with you. From the start, I helped you out. I was your mind, your words, your thoughts, your glory. But if you still choose to go down that lowly road, much as I love you, I will not tread the barren road with you.

I did not lie when I told you I’m always gonna be here for you, that I won’t hate you, and I will support you in whatever decision you make. But I don’t remember me saying that we shall be as we are now.

So I hope, I am keeping my fingers crossed, that you do not make any rash moves that will build up my wall.

I love you

But I am not all too willing to be stupefied by you

Why should I stop myself from being deliriously engulfed in a presence? Are things complicated or are they complex? I have no clue whether there is any difference. The past couple of weeks have been a revelation. And my heart has to undergo unfamiliar transition. Yet I feel wondrous. I demand nothing, I expect zilch. I am just contented. Now that is a word I rarely come across with. It’s as strange to me as a flowering mango tree. Let’s continue to be this way. I’ll teach you the wily ways of the world, while I let you teach me to be strong, to grow up, and to come out the better person. You have been goodness thrown from heaven and I shall not pull you down to the earth I grudgingly tread. I won’t sit idly by and watch you fall, I will be thy cushion if I must be. Not a single ache will be felt by your body, not a momentary sting shall press unto your heart. I am your shield, you are my battlefield…

we had coffee convo for hours on end

we escaped for lunch, out of their midst

we went to pick up your stuff and all

WE…

the word never was this beautiful

US…

now that would just be oh so wonderful

i have loved you from the start

In response to: sleepyhead’s thoughts

Maybe I wanna make a retraction on my statements. Yeah oh friggin’ yeah I am still into melurve. Kissed you hello, held your hand, stood around for some quick catchin up and I pro’ly wore one of those giddy smiles you bring out so well. Conspiracy pulled just to spend majority of my fantabulous Friday wiv ya. Gawd I am oh so uberly in lalalove wiv ya and you don’t seem to have a clue. I am just so insanely happy. I hope it’s May already *wicked wink*

We have plans already ain’t that dazzling. Traveling, modeling, flirting(?)

Heck anything,anywhere,any damn day so long as you’re there, count me in!

I had the most restful 2 days. Only this day, I had a dealbreaker. I woke up from a dream at 3 am. I could not (and no longer wanted to) sleep afterwards. Maybe I felt distraught. It’s not supposed to be this way. I’m not supposed to have any more connection and attraction to you. Still… I don’t know. I guess I was painfully reminded of what made me fall for you in the first place. Though that might be the keyword: fall. Like a predator awaiting to ensnare an unsuspecting victim. I was a very willing prey then. But no, I hate this pinch in my heart that only you can keep bringing upon me, yet I still awefully give in to your charms.

She pretended, she played a part, I played along but I knew she was trying to block my way from getting to you. We had chocolates, we had a drink, I helped you washed your hand, how proverbial is that…

FUCK.

May this be the last time you pop in my dreams, in my life…

Was it a dream?
Is this the only evidence that proves it
A photograph of you and I

I wanted to write. I’ve been meaning to. It’s just that there’s nothing (and need I add noone?)to really write about. No rants, no raves. Life is oh so flatly lame. Mundane. Mediocre. It ends just as it begins. Same ol, same ol’. Maybe the reason why I’m not so up for it is the blandness of my daily existence. Sure there’s this someone, yeah another someone indeed. But we haven’t been seeing eye to eye, so to speak, in about a month already. We barely get to speak, like the moment passed us by y’know. Neither one of us is guilty. On my part, it has always been the reason why everything in the past went kaput: my friggin’ schedule. We’re not as sweet as we were not so long ago. Sure I’d still rather start and end my day with this person right around me but it’s not really under my control. So well, dealin’.

Occasions comin’ right up. Not that I feel like celebrating, one would always remind me of the other. And the other would remain ever afloat in my hazy dreams. Argh here we go again. None of that no more. I no longer like either one of em, I no longer fancy a night of holding hands and sweet kisses and all that mush (and I just fooled myself).

I’m good, all good. So good I slept for almost 48 hours straight for lack of better things to do, for my sheer incapacity to be out and about.

And I miss you love

They do not mesh well enough to be put together in order to make a poem. They’re stand alone doodles. Inspired by melurve♥

Do you know what it’s like to be awakened by thoughts untarnished? To be filled with feelings unparalled? To have yourself fall asunder a beguiling entity? That’s what I used to feel like. And because of you, I can finally remember again…

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

I have forgotten how it is to have your thoughts be filled by another; to have your entirety consumed; to fall asleep with a dream in your heart. In you, I found new madness. Falling for you feels like the only rollercoaster ride I’d get on…

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

I crave you as you indulge me, you are the relief to my malady. And we are nothing., not that we’ll ever be anything. But you are the wondrous and unbridled possessor of my whole being.

*** written on the 10^th of February 2k9***

I cannot save myself from you

I am pulling away but you reel me in

I have given way,

Yet you wished that I stay

What can I do,

When I can barely say no to you

You are making it tricky to let go

And after all my effort,

I am dismayed by the things that you do

What an uncanny lack of concern

You still make my guts twist and turn

***written on the 16th of February 2k9, started at 6 am and completed at 6pm***